The first part of this one was written last week in an email I sent to the NorthStar trans list; remainder is the results of further reminiscing since then.
I'm in the habit of reading (usually sci-fi or fantasy) as part of my
evening wind-down routine. Last night I was up later than I wanted to be
waiting for a load of laundry to finish and happened to end with a
chapter where one of the characters gets raped by her fiance and
suddenly comes to a realization of the power/control that a woman loses
to her husband with marriage... which happens to be exactly the issue
(the power/control part, not the rape) that I'm currently experiencing a
lot of insecurity about in my own life. So I'm lying there in bed on
the verge of a meltdown wondering what I can do to restore my sense of
security enough that I can get the sleep that I desperately need, and
the thought suddenly occurs to me that my fighter's spirit having been
put into a body that attracts victimization is part of God's plan;
instant complete transition from feeling distressed to peacefully
pondering spiritual matters.
I hadn't felt the need to pray about the reason/outcome of my own
spiritual mismatch, although the explanation of THAT being the answer to
something that I thought was completely unrelated was a bit of a
surprise. To me that is one more piece of evidence that there is a loving God, as well as the possibility that there really is something good at the end of all of this struggling. Since that experience, I've been sleeping MUCH better (had been very sleep deprived for about two weeks thanks to my relationship insecurities) as well as thinking more about the future and what positive action I can take to make the good things happen like they're supposed to.
What sort of task might He need a fighter in a woman's body for? I don't know, although I've got some guesses. By both understanding the victim experience and having the will to fight it, I'm better able to care for a woman who has been victimized or to protect a girl from becoming a victim. There are some potentially violent situations where it's safer to send in a woman than a man because a man is seen as more of a threat and therefor more likely to upset the delicate balance that is on the verge of eruption. In both wit and physical contests, a man who underestimates the abilities of a female opponent is vulnerable to being caught off guard, giving somewhat of an advantage to a woman as opposed to an equally talented man. All of these possibilities are hypothetical of course, but something tells me there IS a reason even if I don't know exactly what it is yet.
Maybe I've been reading too much swashbuckling fantasy... the image that keeps coming to mind is myself and my future husband standing back to back, both armed with swords and fighting off a massive number of enemies together while still being able to move towards our goal/target/destination. A single fighter can put his back up against a solid object and have a chance of fending off attackers from the front and sides only, but is limited in mobility by the need to stay next to that fixed object in order to not be vulnerable to attacks from behind; two fighters guarding each others backs, if practiced in working together, can enjoy a freedom of movement that a lone fighter can never experience.
Now I don't know much about sword-fighting and I've probably got some major details about how it works wrong... but I'm reasonably confident that the future He has in mind for me is something similar to that (or at least whatever the digital-era equivalent is). I'm not supposed to be sitting in the grandstands waving a handkerchief and cheering/crying while the boys beat each other senseless; I'm supposed to be out there in the middle of the melee, fighting to protect myself, my husband, and our family. Right now, I'm SUPPOSED to be learning how to fight and work like a man so that I can be part of that well-practiced team when the time comes.
What does that mean in the practical sense? I've been feeling that as part of the outing myself to the bishop, I should make another (was done once before several years ago) request to be allowed to attend Priesthood meetings and activities instead of Relief Society ones. The experiences and thoughts outlined above reinforce that impression. I'm not asking to be given the power of the priesthood... just to receive the same training that the men do; I understand that non-white men had a similar role prior to 1978, so it's not like that's never been done before. Interestingly, I have a similar confidence that I should continue to participate in visiting teaching; somehow that seems to be more about how the world treats us which is an experience that I share with cis-women, as opposed to how we interact with the world where my experience is more like a man's.
I know this is going to be a hard concept to knock through those folks that are so attached to the gender binary. I spoke to my stake president today about stake conference arrangements (trying to get Kriss' situation partially sorted out for him, whether he wants it or not ;-P) and the subject of my own situation happened to come up, resulting in the same lecture about keeping the commandments and not giving in to temptation (citing homosexuality as an example) that I got from my bishop when I initially outed myself. Which commandments are they thinking I'm being tempted to break?!? I'm anticipating some more runaround before whatever the logical error is gets exposed and corrected, which is a necessary prerequisite to having the serious what-are-we-going-to-do-with-Sam-at-church conversation that I'd like to have. We'll see how it goes.
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