Coming Out (in a way)

My first trans-related blog, written November '08.

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[Yes, I use some interesting terminology in this blog. No, I'm not swearing. These are the best culturally defined words that I could find, courtesy of Wikipedia.]

I got reminded recently that I'm weird... beyond normal variability, beyond Asperger's. Weird in a way that I've only described to a few people... but that others pick up on, even if they can't precisely identify the difference. The commentary ranges from “Quit trying to be a guy.” to strings of profanity that essentially mean the same thing.

I have the wonderful fortune to have found myself in a queer status group that most Americans have never heard of. Everyone knows a gay or a lesbian. Most people have heard of trans-gendered persons, even if they have no [known] personal acquaintances of that type. Other cultures acknowledge the existence of gender-neutral persons, but not ours. We live in a sea of people who don't think gender means anything more than the presence or absence of a penis.

I do not identify as male OR female. I acknowledge the presence of physical sexual anatomy, but do not identify with this any more than a trans-gendered person does. I live in a female role out of social convenience, not because I enjoy or feel right doing so. If I could live as a genderless person without offending/alienating virtually everyone I know, I would do so. This is the reality that I live with, although I try to avoid thinking about.

In high school and college, I watched two of my friends switch from male to female life. One moved to another state to make the transition, coming back as a completely different person to all but her closest friends. The other never left the self-imposed isolation she felt was necessary to protect herself from social rejection. It's a hellish existence, even with support from friends and family... which is why I decided years ago not to transition, to let others continue to assign me the same arbitrary gender role.

Of course, nothing is ever that simple. My father introduced me to the practice of genderfuck, and I adopted it as a continuous amusement for years before I knew there was a term for the practice. I'm not sure if there's ever a situation in which I'm not doing this to at least some degree. I suppose I could put myself through the appropriate social schooling and perfect the female illusion... but why? I have no desire to kill myself (figuratively or literally) in order to ensure the continuing comfort of people who don't value the full spectrum of humanity.

Further complicating the situation is my faith in a religion that does not outwardly accept any degree of queerness. Believe me, if there was any logic involved, I'd have been long gone before I even considered joining. I do believe that the LDS church is divinely directed... and I also know my own experience of myself.

Realistically, I have very little to fear. Legally, socially and ecclesiastically, I'm not doing anything wrong; I'm just a little eccentric. Every now and then a disillusioned boyfriend takes a burn-the-witch attitude and scares the heck out of me, but so far there's been no physical harm.

I used to live as androgynously as possible. I've eased up some in recent years, but continue to blur the line between genders quite a bit. I'm also realizing that my choices have consequences. I can walk the line between female and gender-neutral, but there's an inherent degree of social isolation that goes with doing so. Most people separate “guy friends” from “girl friends”, with associated social activities and expectations. Only in the situation where male and female commingle without separate gender roles am I able to truly fit in.

Despite systematic neutrality, the future looks ominous... gender-neutral friendships are not as easy to come by as we think. I'd like to have a permanent romantic relationship [duration more than 6 months would be a nice start!], but am reminded how gender-specific most people's approaches to these are, especially within my church. Heck, even having someone to talk to that understands the experience would be nice!

Internet to the rescue? There is a community of gay/bi/trans Mormons (www.affirmation.org). There's also a Yahoo group for transgendered persons with Mormon backgrounds. I've initiated contact with both, will see what happens. I know there's a lot of LGBT people who have been hurt by unchristlike interpretations of religious beliefs, so I don't know how much either of these groups is in supporting an active member. What I'm hoping to find:

- encouragement in staying active in the church while being more open about atypical gender identity
- an understanding ear regarding the isolation of being queer in a conservative religion
- polite requests to church leaders for clear and consistent guidelines, and enough transparency in disciplinary procedures to be confident that judgements are based on official policy and not personal bias
- striving to combat member ignorance of the issues involved, without labelling as enemies

We'll see if that happens or not. I hate being in charge of organizational processes, but I may try to start another group if I can't find what I'm looking for in an existing system