Links and Other Recommended Reading

This one's probably going to be posted in incomplete state multiple times before I finally have time to finish it up (assuming that it doesn't continue to evolve forever)... for starters, I'm focusing on getting a lot of info IN the blog, and will attempt to organize and properly introduce each segment later.

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General Internet:

Gender Tree is a website maintained by a member of one of the email lists I'm on, which pays special attention to debunking of "the bible says" gender and sex binary myths. I remember thinking it was darn cool back when I first was given the link, although that was so many years ago that I don't remember any details worth highlighting.

Two-Spirits Map is a global inventory of human cultures which recognize genders outside the male-female binary. There's a number of other lists of this type out there, but this is the most comprehensive one I've encountered by far!

Genderbread Person versions 1.0 and 2.0 are cute illustrations explaining the difference between gender identity, sexual orientation, physical sex, and gender expression. The first version is simpler but less accurate, the second version is more accurate but also more complicated; tackle whichever level of complexity you feel ready for.

The Huffington Post provides this brief list of the scientific studies which have documented evidence that gender identity has a biological (rather than psychiatric) basis... and if that list isn't convincing enough for you, scroll down to the bottom of it for a link to more.

Leading LDS produced a podcast with tips for local LDS leaders on how to welcome and respect transgender people in their wards and branches.

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Other Blogs:

Trans-Fusion and Intersex Roadshow are blogs by Cary Gabriel Costello, focusing on trans issues and intersex issues respectively. Costello's writings put a "real" face on both the trans and intersex experiences, and do an excellent job of covering the technical information and philosophical questions involved in a concise and easy-to-read manner. I haven't read the full history of either blog, but would specifically like to call attention to a few of the entries that I have read:
On Teaching (Trans) Gender delves into the realm of institutionalized and accepted sexism by contrasting how students interact with an instructor who is perceived to be male vs an instructor who is perceived to be female (which Costello has the unusual experience of being able to directly contrast due to having experienced both).
How Common is Intersex Status? spells out the math behind 1 in 150 being a conservative estimate for how many modern humans are intersex... and that's just based on the number of individuals with one of two specific conditions who are assigned male at birth. Add in the individuals who are assigned female and other conditions for which numbers aren't readily available and the real frequency can reasonably be inferred to be significantly higher.
The Phalloclitoris: Anatomy and Ideology critiques modern Western medicine's technical illustrations of "normal" genitals as deliberately inaccurate and "we must fix it!" attitude towards intersex genitals as recklessly destructive.
Does It Get Better? includes heart-wrenching details of the ongoing harassment that Costello's wife (an individual who is also both trans and intersex) is subjected to on an ordinary, every-day basis thanks to the after-effects of childhood medical treatments that were inflicted in an attempt to override her expressed identity.

LDS Gender is a blog maintained by someone that I'm acquainted with through two different email lists that are specifically for people who are both LDS and trans/intersex. The blog is specifically aimed at an LDS audience, presenting information on trans and intersex issues within the context of LDS beliefs.

Countering the general understanding that all Mormons are idiotically conservative (or at least forced to keep quiet on their liberal views), Feminist Mormon Housewives covers more material than even I would ever attempt to keep up with. Unfortunately the site also attracts a lot of REALLY nasty trolls, so I don't recommend reading the comments that get posted; just read the blog entries themselves, and skip the garbage below. One FMH entry in particular that I did find expressing my own thoughts & feelings quite well was When you ask for bread and receive a stone. Forgiving Our Leaders and Finding Ourselves.

I haven't read any of A Purple Picket Fence, although that's on my to-do list... if I ever get around to it, I'll come back and provide commentary on that one too.

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Books:

Whipping Girl, by Julia Serano - Written by a transwoman about her experiences with both the transition process and the prejudices that she encountered at all stages along the way. Although written from the perspective of a transwoman, I found it to contain a lot of great insights into American society's expectations of female-appearing persons in general (which is applicable to the lives of ciswomen, post-transition transwomen, pre-transition transmen, and persons like myself with a female body and non-binary identity).


Evolution's Rainbow, by Joan Roughgarden - Roughgarden, a biologist, was invited by Oregon State University's zoology department to give a presentation on campus back when I was attending the school, which was how I encountered her and her first book. Evolution's Rainbow thoroughly explores the full  spectrum of sexual reproduction modes within the animal kingdoms (including a number of species that have more than two sexes or that can change sex as needed), and human cultures from across the globe that recognize more than two genders, thoroughly debunking the myth of a universal male-female binary.
Roughgarden has since published a second book addressing how she reconciles the realities of biological diversity with her Christian faith, which I want to but have not yet had occasion to purchase and read.

[I own copies of both Whipping Girl and the 2004 edition of Evolution's Rainbow, which are available for local borrowing.]

What it feels like to have the wrong hormones

Here's a re-post of a message I typed up for the Transgendered & Intersex Mormons email list illustrating what hormones-gone-wrong looks like, for the purposes of explaining why one might benefit from taking the hormones without transitioning. My story is unusual only in the availability of gory details... for reasons we don't understand, the typical trans experience with naturally produced hormones is similarly miserable although more difficult to quantify and communicate.



Starting with PMS... I've never experienced something I would classify as "shark week" where the misery is conveniently inflicted on bystanders; I get to deal with all of it inside the isolation of my own head. One evening I'll just be completely unable to concentrate, wandering around the house trying to find some task that I can attach myself to (I'm a task-oriented person, so having something to focus on is essential to my mental comfort) and being completely unable to do so. Two days later, I'll spend an evening in an anxiety attack that doesn't even have a specific "problem" that I can try to distance myself from... it's completely generalized and detached from the logical portions of my brain. Two days after that, I'll spend an evening feeling suicidal; again, there's no trigger involved, it's completely independent of what's going on around me. I lived with that monthly cycle for close to a decade before I finally figured out what was causing the seemingly random mood swings and got my psychiatrist to prescribe birth control pills which finally put a stop to it.

Endometriosis... Ever had a bad flu bug that flushed your digestive system out in BOTH DIRECTIONS simultaneously? How'd you like to experience that every month? I have. Oh, and on top of that the typical experience included pain so intense that I was too weak to walk for the worst half hour or so of it (gradually tapering up to and down from that before and after). I've got a handful of memorable stories from that, with the rest having been similarly bad but not unique enough to be worth retelling. For a few months, I attempted to not have anything in my stomach by not eating anything after my period started... I'd still end up vomiting the still-identifiable contents of the previous day's lunch. There was the time at my dad's house (I was living in his garage at the time) that I made it into the bathroom to do my puking, got about half of it in the toilet and the other half smeared all over the toilet and surrounding floor, and afterwards managed to muster just enough energy to literally CRAWL to _Dad's_ bed (only one room away, no way in hell I was going to try for my own) and then it took me THREE TRIES to raise my voice loud enough to get Dad's attention (another one room away) so he knew to go clean up the mess I'd made. And the time where it hit at school, during surveying class... I made an exit from class to the restroom in the middle of the instructor's direction on what we were to do for our lab assignment, sat in the restroom by myself for a while feeling progressively worse, finally texted my BF (also an engineering student at the same school) a request to have the department secretary come check on me... well, he was concerned enough that he came in himself; a bit later when I was feeling good enough to stand up, he walked back to the classroom with me (just to get my stuff, my condition was still nowhere near good enough to go practice field surveying) and then gave me a ride to his place so I could rest there.

Something else beyond that which has evaded medical definition... So that monthly puking my guts up stopped when I got on birth control. For a few years. Then it gradually came back, during the placebo week of the birth control pills, despite not having ANY associated bleeding. My wonderful (LDS bishop, but not mine) gynecologist commented "wow, your body really doesn't like its own estrogen" and directed me to switch to taking the birth control continuously (skip the placebo week and just start on the next pack in order to completely eliminate the hormone cycle).

The hormones still escape their bounds... last fall I had an incident where due to my health insurance getting cranky over the non-freshness of my prescriptions at the same time that my gynecologist was on vacation, I was without the birth control for a day and a half. In the aftermath of that, I was having frequent mood swings for a week which took about a month to completely go away again, and it was MONTHS before my body stopped producing menstrual fluid and cramping at times when it wasn't supposed to. And I still have occasional rounds of the pain that I've been told is endometriosis, typically as penance for having slept in and therefor having taken my meds a few hours later than usual the day before.

And on top of all of that, realize that my identity is neuter... not surprisingly, I'm not at all thrilled with the extra curves that being on birth control for such a long time has created. If I'd known about that side effect back at the beginning, I just might have tried testosterone instead of synthetic estrogen... and as it is, I'm seriously considering testing out that switch.

So have I sufficiently illustrated one example of why somebody might want to take hormones without wanting to transition?

What is Male? What is Female? [Part 2]

While reading through a massive backlog of emails, I found a link to a video that nicely summarizes and illustrates all of the scientific reading I'd previously done on the biology of gender!
[Yes, it's 26 minutes long... and yes, I do recommend this as the summary alternative to 500+ pages of reading.]

Disclaimer: The video includes a lot of cartoon illustrations of reproductive organs and one small-scale, black-and-white photo of a naked CAIS subject in a stance that resembles a police lineup photo. I don't recommend watching it at work, and would suggest giving your spouse a heads up on what you're about to watch before hitting the 'play' button so they don't come to any incorrect assumptions on first glance over your shoulder. That being said, it's not pornographic in any way (unless you're a subscriber to Comstock's definition, in which case you're welcome to enjoy a life of deliberate ignorance) and is something I would show my children (if I had any).

So yeah... watch the video, and then read the rest of this blog post.

Now that we've established the MEDICAL nature of gender identity and all things sexual (You did watch the video, right? No cheating; do it!), lets get back to the "So what?" question.

Trans people don't choose to be trans. It's a biological phenomena that, for reasons that we may never be able to precisely identify, manifests prior to birth. Note that birth is well before the age-eight LDS standard for the point at which one develops accountability for actions, which strongly suggests that a variant identity isn't inherently sinful. But there are plenty of other biologically based conditions that while being technically natural would still be a bad idea to pursue with reckless abandon, so we'll continue the discussion with an investigation of whether or not this is something that belongs on that list also.

The claim that being trans is morally wrong hinges on the assumption that the sex an individual was assigned to at birth is the correct sex... but how do we know if that assignment was made correctly? Assigned sex is almost always determined based on external genitalia, assuming (correctly in many, but not all, cases) that internal sexual organs, chromosomes and brain match the external genitals. If a baby is born with ambiguous genitals then the parents and doctor might pursue investigation of internal organs and genetics; evaluation of the brain is a technology that it still in its infancy, and so the most practical tool available in that department is simply to ask the individual what gender they identify themselves as.

In the typical case ("Adam" or "Eve" in Veronica Drantz' terminology), everything matches up nicely and there's no question as to whether that person is male or female. So what do we do with the oddball case where it's not so simple? When there's a clear mismatch between the various indicators, which one controls? External genitals, internal gonads, DNA, or brain/identity? [I consider the evidence that self-identity is strongly tied to brain sex to be adequate to lump those together into one variable, although you're welcome to do your own research before jumping on that bandwagon.] If we consider it necessary to properly identify an individual's real or spiritual gender, how can that determination be made reasonably and accurately?

I think we can all agree that the external genitals (and secondary sex characteristics, which are created through a similar process later in life) cannot be considered as the definitive identifier of an individual's true gender in cases where other indicators are in conflict with this crude check. To claim that external appearance trumps all else would be to insist that those involuntary sex changes inflicted upon newborn infants change the individual's true nature... which is in direct conflict with both scientific and religious understanding of the nature of identity. Similarly, to claim that external appearance at birth is the end-all answer to how God intended the individual to be is a blatant denial of the well-documented occurrence of birth defects caused by neonatal exposure to man-made toxins.

Internal sexual organs have a higher correlation with genetic sex than the external appearance does, typically consisting of gonads that match the genetic sex and a hybrid of male and female characteristics at the interface with external organs that are in conflict with the genetic and gonadal sex. In that sense, arguments related to the internal organs would be a hybrid of the claims related to genetic sex and claims related to external appearance, with the respective validity of each being discussed elsewhere in this post.

That leaves genetic sex and brain sex / self identity as the remaining options for how we might go about conclusively determining the true gender of an individual. For those who believe in such things, it's generally agreed that an individual's spiritual essence becomes associated with the physical body sometime between conception and birth. If this event occurs at or soon after conception, then it would be reasonable to assume that the gender of the spirit matches the genetic sex of the body and that all other conflicts that might be present later are the direct result of the evils of the world. If the spirit enters the body at or soon before birth, then it would be reasonable to assume that the gender of the spirit matches the sex of the now-developed infant brain and that the self-perception expressed later in life are an expression of the individual's spiritual nature. But which of those is it? In answer to that last question, I cite Section 21.3.10 of "Handbook 2: Administering the Church" (for the non-LDS folks, this is one of the official documents that spell out how to handle practically every imaginable scenario that might come up for administration of LDS policies):

It is a fact that a child has life before birth. However, there is no direct revelation on when the spirit enters the body.

And so all attempts to logically determine a one-size-fits-all formula for how to determine an individual's true gender go down in flames. If we believe that each individual has a true gender that is of a spiritual nature, then it would generally be morally ethical for them to behave and present in keeping with that spirit gender and morally objectionable to behave and present in a manner contrary to their spirit gender... but we can't even begin to assess which side of the binary would be appropriate for a given individual without first knowing the gender of their spirit, and there's no objective way to test or deduce what that spirit gender is for people who are born with a medically documentable intersex condition. [Note my use of "documentable" rather than "documented"... the intersex condition is there regardless of whether or not we're bright enough to go looking for it; discovery of an intersex condition merely changes our understanding of the situation, not the nature of the individual in question.]

So in the case of a trans person, is transition to life as one's identified gender a sinful denial of divine designation or an acceptable expression of one's true inner self? Some of my readers will find this to be a very difficult challenge, but it's time to recognize that the situation is nowhere near as simple as we might like it to be and admit "I don't know." Maybe transition is always wrong, maybe it's always right, maybe it's sometimes wrong and sometimes right depending on individual circumstances (I tend to lean towards that last possibility).

In my humble opinion, that's a matter than can only be resolved by personal revelation on a case-by-case basis... and in keeping with the principles of authority required for receiving of revelation, that knowledge is most likely going to be given first to the affected individual and as a secondary confirmation to family members, church leaders, and friends. Determination of individual gender is not "a matter that affects the whole Church" any more than the size and configuration of your genitals is, although Church policies related to individuals for whom gender and apparent sex do not align certainly would be. While certain individuals have had their non-apparent gender confirmed by the First Presidency, such revelation was not a broad Church-wide direction; it was a confirmation to appointed leaders that the impression the affected individual had previously received really was divine in nature. As to what place(s) trans and intersex people might be eligible for in God's kingdom (both here on Earth and in the next life), that's a question we eagerly await direction from the First Presidency on.

Letter to Leadership

I realized my blog has grown beyond the realm of conciseness in explaining my situation, so felt the need to write a summary letter to church authorities rather than expect them to read all of my blog... here's the version that was given to my bishop.

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To my inspired Church leaders:

Although I have a body that outwardly appears to be female, I do not experience the expected identity as a woman. I must acknowledge the presence of female sexual anatomy, but the social role that is expected for a woman is something that I have spent a good portion of my life trying and failing to properly adapt to. In addition to being distinctly uncomfortable in all-female settings and the female social role, the female body feels unnatural to me as if some part of me knows it's supposed to be otherwise.

I am not claiming to be a man, nor do I wish to become one or otherwise take on a masculine gender role. Quite frankly, I'm at a bit of a loss in attempting to explain what I consider myself to be because modern English (to the best of my knowledge) does not have a term that I would consider to accurately describe myself. I am me. I am Sam. I am someone who takes whatever action is needed, regardless of whether that action happens to be assigned to a male or female gender role by those around me. I have a desire to care for and raise children, but not to physically produce them. I realize that those of you who experience an identity that matches your body have a difficult time understanding how someone like me could see themselves as anything other than what they appear to be... to me, there is a similar difficulty in understanding how you can consider the issue to be so simple and obvious because my experience of is far from simple and obvious.

The body that I wish for would be one with no sexual anatomy whatsoever, and a social role for myself completely free of gender-based expectations. I do not propose this as a 'higher' form of society. I see the joy that others find in their gender-based roles and fully support their pursuit of such. I support the Church's stance on the value of families and childbearing. I marvel at women who are able to thrive on care of houseful of small children, knowing that I would be woefully inadequate for the task; if there is inferiority worthy of note anywhere in this comparison, it would be my own for lacking that capacity. I firmly believe that attempting to force myself into that role would be a disaster for all involved, and that acceptance of another (let's call it lesser) role in life is the best way for me to grow spiritually and serve those around me.

I describe myself as having a gender identity of 'neuter', acknowledging that I have not received revelation on the gender of my spirit and do not feel a need for such at this time. I realize that this will seem strange to those of you who center your life around your gender role; I believe that I have a reasonably solid (and developing) understanding of what my role is intended to be, and since it is not based on a gender assignment then seeking after a gender identifier would only confuse the issue. That being said, you are welcome to seek for confirmation of your own as to what my spirit gender may be if you feel that such is within the scope of your duty and authority.

I do not have any documentation of having an intersex condition, but I have suspected that one would someday be found for as long as I can remember. The symptoms of my body's typical response to menstruation strongly suggest that one or more aspects of my reproductive system are not as they should be, but no investigation of my internal organs, hormone levels, or genetics has been done as treatment based on hypothesis has thus far been effective.

I wish to remain active in the LDS church, but the established understanding that one must subscribe to the male/female binary in order to maintain good standing is threatening to label me as a heretic merely for saying what I honestly and sincerely understand to be true about my self, without any claim whatsoever to divine knowledge or authority related to other persons. I am puzzled as to why the Church Handbook gives quite detailed directions on how to handle a wide variety of human conditions, but gives no guidance on how to handle intersex and gender-variant persons. In my communications with other members of the LDS church who have comparable conditions, it is frightening how often different leaders will give drastically different opinions on the membership status and participation options of the same affected individual. In order to establish a basis of understanding from which authoritative decisions related to my membership and participation in this church can be made, I believe the following questions should be considered:

• Who has the authority to receive revelation as to the gender of my spirit?
• Does the gender of my spirit automatically define the gender role(s) that I should be taking on in this life, or might my life calling be something outside the traditional gender binary? Who has the authority to receive revelation as to what my life calling is to be?
• What (if any) restrictions should be placed on the church membership and/or participation of an intersex or otherwise gender-variant person? With so many roles within the church organization being gender-specific, which one(s) is a non-binary person eligible for?
• What sins and temptations do you suspect of me based on your understanding of my situation? Have you checked the validity of those suspicions, and do you discard them when evidence to the contrary is presented?
• Would documentation of an intersex condition change your opinion of my situation any? If so, what qualifications would you require the medical authority providing said documentation to have in order for you to consider the findings valid? Should the burden of proof for the existence (or absence) of an intersex condition fall on the individual in question or on the church authorities who makes decisions based on the findings?

Some of these questions will likely require consultation with higher leadership authorities, as the principle of uniformity in church administration requires that the answer(s) be consistent. Others are simply a guide in identifying your own personal biases (which we all have) so that you can be better prepared to address the situation objectively and be receptive to spiritual promptings, with little or no need for you to communicate your personal answer to anyone else. If bychance this letter makes its way to the hands of the leadership group currently tasked with reviewing the experience of Church members suffering from gender dysphoria and developing an appropriate policy on how to handle these situations, my hope is that these questions will provide assistance in that policy development process. Additional information and thoughts can be found on my blog (http://darkness7light.blogspot.com).

I do not expect a quick resolution of my situation, although periodic reassurance that progress is being made would be welcome as I have been struggling with increasing frequency and severity of anxiety attacks over the status of my church membership in response to an apparent stagnation of progress. My conversion to the Gospel hinged on an understanding that God (and by extension, his appointed leaders of the Church) recognizes and values the uniqueness of each individual, and supports the development of individual strengths and talents rather than expecting all of us to live the same cookie-cutter lives... and so I find it difficult to maintain faith when faced with "official" denial of value regarding the less-conventional strengths and talents that I am attempting to put to good use.

Sam[antha] Corbin
Springfield 2nd Ward
Springfield Oregon Stake

My Conversion Story

I volunteered to share my conversion story in Relief Society tomorrow... might as well make a blog out of it too!


I was raised Methodist, although I split with all forms of organized religion as a teenager over disgust at the deliberate ignorance and helplessness that my religious peers (particularly the female ones) were busily cultivating. My standard response to the Protestant claim of "You don't go to church? You're going to go to hell!" was "Good. At least I won't have to put up with YOU there."

My first exposure to the LDS church happened at a games convention in Seattle in August of 2003, from another attendee at the same event. It wasn't one of those standard missionary moments that we talk about... his faith just happened to come up in conversation, and instead of Nathaniel going out of his way to share details with me, I was the one that kept asking questions. At the end of the weekend convention, we each went home... me to Oregon, Nathaniel to Utah. We kept up the string of questions and answers over email for several months before he finally convinced me to start meeting with the missionaries, who then invited me to attend church.

Once I started attending the Corvallis singles' ward, I was surprised at how many of the people there I already knew. Virginia McMakin, a peer from the karate dojo I trained at, was there. Anjai Fisher, a friend from middle school, and her little brother Devan were there. The map showing where missionaries from the ward were currently serving listed Josh Kesicker, one of my friends from high school... so THAT's why he'd always had a habit of using "fudge" instead of swear words! My parents were very puzzled by my re-association with organized religion; the best explanation I could come up with in response to their queries was "I've never been harassed by a Mormon."

My first encounter with an LDS family was when I 'ran away' to Utah for a week to stay with Nathaniel's family in order to escape a flea infestation at my dad's house. I knew the stereotype of Mormon families being very patriarchal and attached to traditional gender roles, so was expecting the family to be like that. When I arrived, somebody had just unloaded a car-full of groceries and Nathaniel's dad was in the middle of putting them away; he paused his work and sat down to have a conversation with me, still holding a box of tampons. I thought 'Wow, these people are really progressive!'.

Despite the ready social connections, I wasn't an easy sell. The sister missionaries went through all the pre-set discussions with me, then did it again, then started making up additional discussions. One of my favorite hobbies was "stump the missionaries", coming up with questions about LDS doctrine that they didn't know the answers to. A few of them got irritated at my obstinance, but most loved the challenge and a few have stayed in contact with me since.

The rigid attachment to traditional gender roles that is so prevalent in church culture was a big obstacle to me. Many of my questions for the missionaries revolved around what degrees of variance are and are not acceptable. I remember having a fairly long discussion with Isaac Washburn, the host of our unofficial singles FHE gatherings, about church attitudes and policies towards intersex people... with the conclusion being that LDS people are content to dismiss the situation as so rare that it doesn't need to be considered; I was and still am very uncomfortable with that attitude, but kept attending.

The first time I got up to speak during a sacrament testimony meeting was in the summer of 2004, after a day of searching a remote stretch of the Mary's River with my dad and Virginia's mother for Brooke Wilberger's remains ended with a crew from base miraculously showing up with no help from two-way communication at exactly the right place and time to get us off the water before a thunderstorm hit. I was confident those LDS leaders of the search had been inspired to know where to find us, although it wasn't until December of 2005 after a confrontation with the missionaries that ended with them getting up and walking out on our scheduled discussion that I decided I was ready to get baptized.

I made a point of inviting Allison, a transwoman that I'd been friends with in high school prior to her transition, and her girlfriend to my baptism. Not as a public political statement... this was my own  personal demonstration to my friends that even though I was joining the LDS church, I was not going to turn my back on my queer friends. Allison was absolutely terrified of being recognized and confronted by people that we'd gone to grade school with, but was brave enough to attend and was able to make a quick escape afterwards without any drama.
Not too long afterwards, I happened to be with Allison on a Winco errand when we ran into one of her former friends who was also a member of my ward... Allison was recognized, and although the LDS guy was technically polite in his conversation, he insisted on continuing to use Allison's former name even after having been repeatedly told her new name. Allison kept up appearances until we got back to her apartment, but I was there to see the tears that came from that rejection. This was only a few weeks before the guy left on his mission, and after his missionary farewell talk in sacrament I felt the need to make sure he knew how much pain his words had caused before he left... I caught him in the hallway and told him how much that simple refusal to use the correct name had hurt my friend; he didn't get it, just kept repeating claims of respect for "the man [Allison] used to be".
I suppose one could say that was the start of my careful differentiation between church doctrine and church culture... the doctrine is given to us by God who individually loves and cares for each of his widely diverse children, the culture is man-made and fickle on who is worth caring about. When it comes to my association with the LDS church, I make no secret of the fact that I attend church with you each Sunday... and then go elsewhere to spend time with my real friends.

I didn't get to enjoy my time in the singles ward for very long. I started working full-time in my chosen career field (structural engineering) the same month that I was baptized, and moved to Springfield in order to reduce my commute time a little less than a year later. Although I wasn't even halfway through my 20's, being a home owner in addition to working full time and being solely responsible for care of my four-legged 'kid' meant that I quickly developed a level of maturity that didn't find much amusement in the activities geared towards college students. Julie Andrus found me crying in the restroom one Sunday over this conflict and took me to meet with her husband, then the branch president of the Springfield YSA unit. Craig asked if I would rather be in the family ward... "oh, please, can I?!? I didn't realize that was allowed!" Thus started my participation in the family ward as a 24-year-old single, childless adult. Being in a family ward without having a family certainly has its sad moments, but I've never regretted that early transition.

Independent living has brought additional testimony-building experiences. I've been blessed for applying the principles of food storage to other household supplies, such as dog food and heating pellets. After separating from my husband when I was relying on my father for financial support, there was one month that his objections to the divorce escalated to the point that I wanted to break off contact with him completely and felt horrible for needing to be polite to him in order to maintain my financial stability... somehow I ended up not needing money from him that month, which I believe was a blessing earned by maintaining my status as a full tithe payer. A timely layoff from my previous job saved me from needing to maintain job performance during an ugly separation and divorce, and also allowed me to resume schooling that had been on hold since I completed my first degree... and the new job that I was hired at almost a year later is one that allows me to continue my pursuit of higher education.

Through all of this, it has become painfully obvious that what I am and what Mormon men look for in a wife are pretty much mutually incompatible. You're welcome to keep your illusion that all women thrive on that traditional life, but I know that I'm grossly ill-equipped for popping out babies and being a stay-at-home parent. I've known that God had another plan for me since before I encountered the LDS church, and am continuously amazed at how he is able to make the seemingly impossible happen in support of that plan. I don't need your reassurance that God will somehow make me "normal" because I know that He made me who I am and I'm ok with being selected to fill a specific atypical need in His methods for ensuring that all of His children are cared for.

Nowdays its my own identity that I find myself defending the validity of against Mormon culture instead of that of my friends. Many people would simply give up and leave the Church... but that isn't an option for me because I am even more certain of the divine guidance that is available here than I was after that timely extraction from the Mary's River almost a decade ago. I know that God provides direction both to Church leadership and to individuals and that His awareness and concern for his children is uniquely individual even when church culture is not, and I will continue to serve to the best of my ability no matter how limited the opportunities for such that are given to me are.

What is Male? What is Female? [Part 1]

There's no denying that male and female conditions exist, both in biology and in man-made systems. In most cases it's pretty obvious which category a given specimen should be classified as. A lot of people would like to write off the few that aren't easily classified as a fluke of nature, something that doesn't warrant consideration. Well, personally I'm kinda offended at the idea that I shouldn't exist and therefor don't matter. But going off on personal identity and human sexuality would just cause a ruckus without any real gain in shared understanding... so I'm going to explore the issue using terms and illustrations that are fair game for display at your local hardware store.

For those of you who aren't already aware of the standard terminology used by virtually every sub-field in American industry, "male" parts are the ones that have "outie" connecting bits and "female" parts are the ones that have "innie" connecting bits. Probably the most common example of this is a typical threaded connection... the shaft with external threads (bolt, threaded stud, etc) is the "male" side and the larger-diameter part with internal threads (nut, sheathing, etc) is the "female" part. There's also a vast multitude of mundane examples, such as plug-and-socket connections (glancing at the phone cord connection on my desktop phone right now as an example) and the hook-and-eye interface of Velcro. Even a simple glued-connection system such as PVC pipe has a smaller diameter typical (male) section that fits into a larger diameter (female) hole in the connecting parts. Each has a male side and a female side, and in order to get a connection you need one of each. Two male parts aren't going to work, and neither would two female parts. You can get adapters, but those are essentially just two more parts of the "sex" that you're missing that interface with the two that you do have.

I can understand human relationships in those terms. I'm not denying the existence of male and female, or the mechanism of what does and doesn't work for a typical interface. The part I feel the need to question is whether or not that narrowly defined male/female standard is the ONLY type of connection available.


Let's wander over to the electronics section for my first example of a connector that doesn't neatly fit the male/female binary: Coaxial cables have two concentric conducting elements (as opposed to parallel or twisted wires in the types of wiring that you're probably more familiar with). With concentric conductors involved in the connection, it's no surprise that the connectors have two concentric connecting interfaces... and where it gets interesting is the fact that these connectors typically have the male/female orientation of the two interfaces flipped. So a typical coax connector has a male interface for the center conductor paired with a female interface for the outer shield, OR a female interface for the center conductor paired with a male interface for the outer shield. So how how do we know whether to call a given connector male or female, or do we call them intersexed? Well, in order to make it possible to clearly tell somebody which part to fetch for you, the electronics industry has decided that it's the interface of the center conductor that determines the sex of that part and the outer shield interface is referenced relative to that by the name of the connector type.

 Lets pretend that we don't know what that center wire is for, and we pick up a female SMA connector... we'd likely spot the external thread and identify this object as a male-type threaded part. Find an ordinary nut that matches the thread pitch and size, and we've got a connection! Except that this connection completely missed the center conductor, so while it might securely hold the two parts together, it's not going to conduct electricity through that center wire which defeats the entire point of the SMA connector's existence.

Even worse, if we pick up a male SMA connector we'd likely spot the internal thread and identify this object as a female-type threaded part. But that pesky center pin is in the way, so we cut/break it out and can now fasten this object onto the end of a bolt or stud! Except we now not only have a silly pointless connection, we also BROKE what was a perfectly functional part in order to make it.


Now that we've discussed a connector that follows the male/female binary but in a more complex way than the standard, let's go check out the plumbing section to see if they have any hoses with Storz connectors. This is a unique type of coupling in that there is no male part or female part... they're all the same, and they can all connect to each other. But if we didn't know that, we might ignorantly search around a bit for the connecting part that's different from the one we're holding, and when we can't find one just give up and trash it.


Are these other types of connectors better than the typical male/female binary? Only in VERY limited circumstances. Standard male/female threaded parts have a huge advantage in that they're so simple and easy to identify. How many times have you tackled taking apart a device that you'd never seen the innards of before, and successfully gotten it apart and then back together just by twisting nuts and screws? There's no special knowledge required, and with the right-hand-thread standard you can even be 99+% confident that you know which way a part is going to move when you twist it in a given direction rather than having to guess-and-check that on each and every connection. The electronics industry has standardized almost all connections such that the female component of each connection is the one that supplies power to the male component, which significantly reduces the risk of electric shock to a user who comes in contact with a 'live' part. The shaft component of most male parts has an additional advantage of functioning as a pin for aligning other parts until clamped into place with the female component... can you imagine trying to change a tire on your car if you had to hold the wheel in place with one hand while trying to fit a bolt through one hole in that unsteady part into another hole in the brake assembly behind it? There's a reason that the studs are semi-permanently mounted and only the nuts come off!

Complex connectors like SMAs have advantages in specialized applications, but the thinner layers of material needed to create that complexity also makes them more vulnerable to damage. Sexless couplings like Storz connectors are even more specialized, being difficult to figure out on first encounter and possibly requiring a particular tool in order to manipulate. Storz connectors are popular for fire hoses (particularly large diameter ones) because while trying to put out an active fire is a bad time to realize you just grabbed the wrong end of a hose and need to turn the whole assembly around in order to make all the necessary connections, but they have very few other practical applications.

Tying this back to humanity... Am I contesting the validity of the male/female standard? Absolutely not. Am I suggesting that having one of the standard identities is somehow inferior? No, it's certainly got a wide range of circumstances in which the standard binary works quite well. Most people identify as either male or female (in agreement with what they appear to be) and seek out a companion of the opposite sex... and that works, so I have no reason to criticize it. Might there be some people who are more like coax connectors, having a non-binary personality/identity/appearance that is also valid although perhaps not quite as versatile? And might there be people out there that are completely outside the male/female binary like Storz connectors are, lacking ease of recognition but being capable of interfacing in a way that's not limited by the binary?

God made people of distinct male and female types. I'll accept that. But how sure are you that those are the ONLY kinds of people he made? And even if everybody is one or the other, how many are you incorrectly gendering because you're only looking at the threaded part of the SMA connection and completely ignoring that center pin... and how many have you felt the need to break in order to make them fit your idea of what the binary should look like?

What I want... and why I'm confident that it's a righteous desire.

I finally took the time to browse the Voice(s) of Hope website today. I was expecting to find some inspiring stories of creative solutions to the stereotypical dilemma of be-faithful-to-the-church OR follow-the-gay-lifestyle. Turns out I didn't find much of that at all (although I only read 3 stories and skimmed 2 others, so it's entirely likely that it's there in plenty of other stories that I haven't read yet)... what I did find was a number of thought- and emotion-provoking statements, for which further reflection has given me a better insight into my own situation.



First was Ty and Danielle Mansfield's story... besides just being wonderfully uplifting and encouraging, theirs has the unique characteristic of having been subject to intense public scrutiny due to their engagement and marriage having happened after the publication of Ty's first book detailing his struggles with same-sex attraction. Danielle took it all in stride. Would my Dan be able to do the same, if I was publicly recognized as a trans-identified person? Dunno, guess I just get to wait and see.
Embedded in their story are some great statements on the nature of sincere love, and how it differs from simple sexual attraction... in Danielle's words:

I think so many people rely on their hormones and/or their emotions to drive them that they get stuck feeling for their spouse whatever those things tell them to feel. And then if they try to feel otherwise, to love their spouse more than what hormones or emotions tell them to do, they feel like they're doing their spouse a favor rather than recognizing that they hadn't understood how to truly love in the first place.

I feel sad for people who don't get it and who have reduced love and marriage to a mere shadow of what it was intended to be and how beautiful it can be.  

and in Ty's:

The thing I love most about my relationship with Danielle is the friendship we share. If there's anyone who knows how to make me laugh, it's Danielle. It's one of the first things that drew me to her. We love to spend time with each other.

That last quote in particular brought to mind a wonderful tidbit of marriage advice that I first heard from a former co-worker:

It's great to be married to your best friend.

Because my identity is asexual and I barely experience sexual attraction, one of those nagging doubts I've lived with for so long is "Am I even capable of love?" I find the above quotes to be hearty evidence that it is entirely possible to experience love and a successful marriage without the traditional level of sexual attraction. Even in my current relationship stage with Dan, I've experienced a wonderful shift towards emotional connection that was associated with a setting aside of sexual appeals... one more piece of evidence that I'm at least headed in the right direction this time around!



The second story I read was Jarrod Call's. From his story of transition from struggling with what he considered to be a terrible secret to openness and acceptance, a single line jumped out at me as accurately describing the root characteristic of these situations that creates so much pain and fear:

[T]hroughout my life I had often told myself that people only loved me because they did not know all of me.

In all of my struggles with identity, depression, hormones, and every other private trouble THAT was a thought that was always present in my mind, typically making the situation an order of magnitude worse than it would have been with human support and connection. I was putting on a show pretending to be the kind of person that others wanted me to be, fully believing that if my mask were to slip for a moment then my relationships would be instantly doomed. It's a miserable existence to live a double-life like that... and even though one appears to be happy and successful on the outside, the real self inside dies a bit more every day that the suffocating mask is worn.

When asked why/how it is that I'm doing so much better (not suicidal, don't need a service dog, etc) now compared to where I was at just a few years ago, I've been answering that I finally got properly medicated. Now that I'm thinking about the double-life though, I realize that I've also made a partial escape from it... I wonder if maybe that's making as much (or more) of a difference than the medication? That would explain why I feel so comfortable at Affirmation gatherings, despite being 'straight' and an active member of the LDS church (both of which are anomalous conditions in that setting)... because that is perhaps the only place I've found where I can completely drop the act of pretending to be a ciswoman and openly talk about my genderqueer real self, with people who are honestly interested in understanding my experience.



After skimming the next two posted stories, I did a scan of the featured photos/names... and found one I recognized. Ed Hayward is somebody I had previously communicated with through the North Star "Transgender, Intersex, and Gender Identity" email list, whose transdaughter is in the process of pursuing SRS. Excited to have found a story on the site that discusses trans issues, I took the time to read that one.

Ed's story is a wonderful demonstration of parental love, understanding of God's love for each individual, and even church leaders who have refrained from passing judgement on the daughter's need to pursue a surgical treatment.... definitely a recommended read, even though I'm only mentioning it briefly here. The single line from his essay that I'm going to draw into my own personal discussion is:

When I realized that she was determined [to] walk this path and that there was no way I could stop her, I decided it would be better for me to walk it with her than have her walk it alone.

Drawing a connection with my discussion of the second essay... living in secret/isolation magnifies the pain of the concealed condition; the alternative is to surround oneself with people who are caring, understanding, and supportive. None of us can ever really completely understand a condition that we've never experienced... but sincere efforts to understand as much as you can and to relate whatever parallel experiences you may have really do make a world of difference.

I think that's why I've been prompted to out myself at church... because it's a necessary step towards making the human connections that will benefit both my own spiritual growth and that of others who face similar situations. A brief assessment by church leadership that "there's no sin being committed, no disciplinary action is necessary, go back to business as usual" doesn't technically violate any gospel principles... but it does stymie the openness and honesty that are necessary for me to put aside the self-crippling mask and become a more temporally productive and spiritually strong member of the LDS church. I'm not asking for any policy changes or to turn everything we know upside down, I'm just asking to be the REAL me within the established system instead of maintaining an illusionary presence that benefits nobody.

How I Know

Tacking on the same disclaimer that went with my Google+ sharing of this one, since it's been so long without a status change... this particular blog isn't done yet; there's a number of points I need to go back and make sure I completed discussion of and it hasn't had the PCness review yet either. But there's enough good content already written that I didn't want it to sit unread in "draft" limbo for the intervening time.

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The basis of all challenges to and denials of my identity essentially boils down to "You can't know that. That's so DIFFERENT, and different is always wrong. God's house is a house of order, and you are sowing disorder and dissent."

Yes, I know. Different CAN be good. And those who resist the progress of God's plan are those who sow disorder and dissent... not those of us who strive to bring to pass his work in a calm and orderly manner.

How do I know? Because I have seen/felt/pickwhateversenseyouthinkisappropriate God's hand in my life more times than I can count. And every single one of those times was guiding me towards being the person that I am now telling you I AM, not the person that you ignorantly believe me to be.

God arranged for me to be born into a family that found joy and honor in taking in strays, rather than insisting on choosing to only associate with the best. God arranged for my best friend to be one of those strays, so that I could experience the peace that goes with giving a safe and stable home to a youth in need of exactly that before I had even left my parents' care. Before I even started dating, God was whispering to me that my family is to be of the type that is chosen from the spoils of the world, not the type that is magically created from nothing. I was never disappointed by health issues that will probably prevent me from ever bearing children... because I know that God never intended for me to pop out half a dozen babies. He has more than that already here waiting to be brought to my care!

I was given a family that taught me to value intelligence, and never once questioned whether or not it was ok for a girl to play with building sets or for a young woman to pursue a career in engineering. I was blessed with the luxury to complete my first degree without relying on student loans, knowing full well that I had done nothing at all to make myself more worthy or deserving of this honor than any other... and that the higher power that bestowed this blessing upon me would expect me to use what I was gaining for the benefit of others who did not receive that same educational benefit.

There was direct intervention on God's part (not just a prompting... somehow he MADE something that should have been impossible happen) in getting me into the right 4-year college. I had studied it out and made what I believed to be the best decision based on the limited information that I had access to.... but He knew better, and saw to it that the schooling plan got switched to what it was supposed to be AND that I received an explanation for why this was done. Eight years later when the time was right for the next stage of my formal education, His attention and care orchestrated an employment change and freedom from the husband who had succumbed to Satan's temptations such that I could continue with the schooling that is part of His plan. I'm almost 30, and in the early stages of a degree that I will probably be close to 40 by the time that I complete. I know that His plan for me includes a career outside the home because it would be absurd to put that much careful attention into giving somebody a higher education and then expect them to not use it!

God gave me health issues that have protected me from men who wished to use and abuse me. I recognize and am grateful for these conditions. I also believe that they will be dismissed when they are no longer necessary.

Instead of a traditional MTC-prepared mission, God selected me to reach out to many of his lost sheep at Affirmation meetings, with Kriss as my companion. I know that God loves ALL of his children, including those who have been so badly hurt by the hypocrisy that pretends to bear His name that they can no longer feel the connection to Him that they once had. I pray for the day to come soon when these dear friends will no longer feel condemned for the 'sin' of being true to themselves, and understand that it was the following accumulation of actual sins that they believed to be merely 'a drop in the bucket' that have separated them from God's love.

My patriarchal blessing promises "an eternal companion" and I believe that to be entirely within God's power to provide, if I do the work that he has set before me. Maybe the fears that no Mormon man would ever accept as a partner someone as un-Mollyish as me are legitimate... if that is the case, then I guess that companion of mine doesn't need to be Mormon (yet). I believe in the blessings of eternity and that all things that are part of God's plan will come to pass. It is not my job to wonder at how or when, only to continue to work hard on the task at hand, trusting that the larger plan will become apparent when the time is right.

God gave me a body that is intersex because he did not intend for me to fill the traditional female role in this life. He gave me a body that suits what it is that I AM supposed to be doing with this life. I do not know whether I will be intersex in the next life, and I don't see any benefit in debating what my role will be there/then. I am here now, and have been given a task; when it is completed, I will be directed on what to do next. I do not need to know what I will be doing next in order to understand what I need to do now. If you wish to know what I will be in the eternities, you are welcome to ask Him yourself... but please don't postpone the work of today in order to fret about what to do tomorrow. Have faith in God's plan, and His ability to direct the work while understanding what the future implications will be.

I do not consider myself to be spiritually higher than those who do fulfill traditional gender roles. We are all working to build God's kingdom, in the manner for which we have been selected. You who follow the traditional route have a well-trodden path to follow, with many beautiful trail markings guiding you in the right direction; I get to wind my way around (and occasionally hack my way through) masses of unmapped brambles, with only a compass and the sun & stars for guidance. Your path is the right one for many, and you are blessed to travel it with them; mine is no less right, although much of it is lonely and discouraging and there are certainly many dangers. Although the trail I blaze will never be as easy or well-traveled as yours, there are others for whom this other path is right also... and the fact that I have marked the trail in my own rough way will make their travels a little bit easier than mine was; perhaps someday there will even be a few signs marking the route.

I am not the only one engaged in this work; others are out there blazing trails of their own, much like the white explorers who mapped the western half of this country. Sometimes we catch sight of each other from far away and wave a 'hello' before turning back to our individual tasks. Sometimes our paths meet and we travel together for a time, sharing valuable knowledge of the terrain that we have learned along the way. Sometimes we reach an insurmountable obstacle and have to double back. Like you, we wish to reach God's presence and to bring our loved ones with us; unlike you, the many man-made toll-gates on that well-marked path do not accept the coin that we carry. Maybe someday those toll-gates will be removed, or accept other currencies... maybe they won't, and those of us who have been provided with foreign coin will continue to travel the longer, harder route. We have no way of knowing what that future will be, but we continue to press forward in our efforts as faithful Saints.