To my inspired Church leaders:
Although I have a body that outwardly
appears to be female, I do not experience the expected identity as a
woman. I must acknowledge the presence of female sexual anatomy, but
the social role that is expected for a woman is something that I have
spent a good portion of my life trying and failing to properly adapt
to. In addition to being distinctly uncomfortable in all-female
settings and the female social role, the female body feels unnatural
to me as if some part of me knows it's supposed to be otherwise.
I am not claiming to be a man, nor do I
wish to become one or otherwise take on a masculine gender role.
Quite frankly, I'm at a bit of a loss in attempting to explain what I
consider myself to be because modern English (to the best of my
knowledge) does not have a term that I would consider to accurately
describe myself. I am me. I am Sam. I am someone who takes whatever
action is needed, regardless of whether that action happens to be
assigned to a male or female gender role by those around me. I have a
desire to care for and raise children, but not to physically produce
them. I realize that those of you who experience an identity that
matches your body have a difficult time understanding how someone
like me could see themselves as anything other than what they appear
to be... to me, there is a similar difficulty in understanding how
you can consider the issue to be so simple and obvious because my
experience of is far from simple and obvious.
The body that I wish for would be one
with no sexual anatomy whatsoever, and a social role for myself
completely free of gender-based expectations. I do not propose this
as a 'higher' form of society. I see the joy that others find in
their gender-based roles and fully support their pursuit of such. I
support the Church's stance on the value of families and
childbearing. I marvel at women who are able to thrive on care of
houseful of small children, knowing that I would be woefully
inadequate for the task; if there is inferiority worthy of note
anywhere in this comparison, it would be my own for lacking that
capacity. I firmly believe that attempting to force myself into that
role would be a disaster for all involved, and that acceptance of
another (let's call it lesser) role in life is the best way for me to grow
spiritually and serve those around me.
I describe myself as having a gender
identity of 'neuter', acknowledging that I have not received
revelation on the gender of my spirit and do not feel a need for such
at this time. I realize that this will seem strange to those of you
who center your life around your gender role; I believe that I have a
reasonably solid (and developing) understanding of what my role is
intended to be, and since it is not based on a gender assignment then
seeking after a gender identifier would only confuse the issue. That
being said, you are welcome to seek for confirmation of your own as
to what my spirit gender may be if you feel that such is within the
scope of your duty and authority.
I do not have any documentation of
having an intersex condition, but I have suspected that one would
someday be found for as long as I can remember. The symptoms of my
body's typical response to menstruation strongly suggest that one or
more aspects of my reproductive system are not as they should be, but
no investigation of my internal organs, hormone levels, or genetics
has been done as treatment based on hypothesis has thus far been
effective.
I wish to remain active in the LDS
church, but the established understanding that one must subscribe to
the male/female binary in order to maintain good standing is
threatening to label me as a heretic merely for saying what I
honestly and sincerely understand to be true about my self, without
any claim whatsoever to divine knowledge or authority related to
other persons. I am puzzled as to why the Church Handbook gives quite
detailed directions on how to handle a wide variety of human
conditions, but gives no guidance on how to handle intersex and
gender-variant persons. In my communications with other members of
the LDS church who have comparable conditions, it is frightening how
often different leaders will give drastically different opinions on
the membership status and participation options of the same affected
individual. In order to establish a basis of understanding from which
authoritative decisions related to my membership and participation in
this church can be made, I believe the following questions should be
considered:
- Who has the authority to receive revelation as to the gender of my spirit?
- Does the gender of my spirit automatically define the gender role(s) that I should be taking on in this life, or might my life calling be something outside the traditional gender binary? Who has the authority to receive revelation as to what my life calling is to be?
- What (if any) restrictions should be placed on the church membership and/or participation of an intersex or otherwise gender-variant person? With so many roles within the church organization being gender-specific, which one(s) is a non-binary person eligible for?
- What sins and temptations do you suspect of me based on your understanding of my situation? Have you checked the validity of those suspicions, and do you discard them when evidence to the contrary is presented?
- Would documentation of an intersex condition change your opinion of my situation any? If so, what qualifications would you require the medical authority providing said documentation to have in order for you to consider the findings valid? Should the burden of proof for the existence (or absence) of an intersex condition fall on the individual in question or on the church authorities who makes decisions based on the findings?
I do not expect a quick resolution of my situation, although periodic reassurance that progress is being made would be welcome as I have been struggling with increasing frequency and severity of anxiety attacks over the status of my church membership in response to an apparent stagnation of progress. My conversion to the Gospel hinged on an understanding that God (and by extension, his appointed leaders of the Church) recognizes and values the uniqueness of each individual, and supports the development of individual strengths and talents rather than expecting all of us to live the same cookie-cutter lives... and so I find it difficult to maintain faith when faced with "official" denial of value regarding the less-conventional strengths and talents that I am attempting to put to good use.
Sam[antha] Corbin
Springfield 2nd Ward
Springfield Oregon Stake
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