How I Know

Tacking on the same disclaimer that went with my Google+ sharing of this one, since it's been so long without a status change... this particular blog isn't done yet; there's a number of points I need to go back and make sure I completed discussion of and it hasn't had the PCness review yet either. But there's enough good content already written that I didn't want it to sit unread in "draft" limbo for the intervening time.

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The basis of all challenges to and denials of my identity essentially boils down to "You can't know that. That's so DIFFERENT, and different is always wrong. God's house is a house of order, and you are sowing disorder and dissent."

Yes, I know. Different CAN be good. And those who resist the progress of God's plan are those who sow disorder and dissent... not those of us who strive to bring to pass his work in a calm and orderly manner.

How do I know? Because I have seen/felt/pickwhateversenseyouthinkisappropriate God's hand in my life more times than I can count. And every single one of those times was guiding me towards being the person that I am now telling you I AM, not the person that you ignorantly believe me to be.

God arranged for me to be born into a family that found joy and honor in taking in strays, rather than insisting on choosing to only associate with the best. God arranged for my best friend to be one of those strays, so that I could experience the peace that goes with giving a safe and stable home to a youth in need of exactly that before I had even left my parents' care. Before I even started dating, God was whispering to me that my family is to be of the type that is chosen from the spoils of the world, not the type that is magically created from nothing. I was never disappointed by health issues that will probably prevent me from ever bearing children... because I know that God never intended for me to pop out half a dozen babies. He has more than that already here waiting to be brought to my care!

I was given a family that taught me to value intelligence, and never once questioned whether or not it was ok for a girl to play with building sets or for a young woman to pursue a career in engineering. I was blessed with the luxury to complete my first degree without relying on student loans, knowing full well that I had done nothing at all to make myself more worthy or deserving of this honor than any other... and that the higher power that bestowed this blessing upon me would expect me to use what I was gaining for the benefit of others who did not receive that same educational benefit.

There was direct intervention on God's part (not just a prompting... somehow he MADE something that should have been impossible happen) in getting me into the right 4-year college. I had studied it out and made what I believed to be the best decision based on the limited information that I had access to.... but He knew better, and saw to it that the schooling plan got switched to what it was supposed to be AND that I received an explanation for why this was done. Eight years later when the time was right for the next stage of my formal education, His attention and care orchestrated an employment change and freedom from the husband who had succumbed to Satan's temptations such that I could continue with the schooling that is part of His plan. I'm almost 30, and in the early stages of a degree that I will probably be close to 40 by the time that I complete. I know that His plan for me includes a career outside the home because it would be absurd to put that much careful attention into giving somebody a higher education and then expect them to not use it!

God gave me health issues that have protected me from men who wished to use and abuse me. I recognize and am grateful for these conditions. I also believe that they will be dismissed when they are no longer necessary.

Instead of a traditional MTC-prepared mission, God selected me to reach out to many of his lost sheep at Affirmation meetings, with Kriss as my companion. I know that God loves ALL of his children, including those who have been so badly hurt by the hypocrisy that pretends to bear His name that they can no longer feel the connection to Him that they once had. I pray for the day to come soon when these dear friends will no longer feel condemned for the 'sin' of being true to themselves, and understand that it was the following accumulation of actual sins that they believed to be merely 'a drop in the bucket' that have separated them from God's love.

My patriarchal blessing promises "an eternal companion" and I believe that to be entirely within God's power to provide, if I do the work that he has set before me. Maybe the fears that no Mormon man would ever accept as a partner someone as un-Mollyish as me are legitimate... if that is the case, then I guess that companion of mine doesn't need to be Mormon (yet). I believe in the blessings of eternity and that all things that are part of God's plan will come to pass. It is not my job to wonder at how or when, only to continue to work hard on the task at hand, trusting that the larger plan will become apparent when the time is right.

God gave me a body that is intersex because he did not intend for me to fill the traditional female role in this life. He gave me a body that suits what it is that I AM supposed to be doing with this life. I do not know whether I will be intersex in the next life, and I don't see any benefit in debating what my role will be there/then. I am here now, and have been given a task; when it is completed, I will be directed on what to do next. I do not need to know what I will be doing next in order to understand what I need to do now. If you wish to know what I will be in the eternities, you are welcome to ask Him yourself... but please don't postpone the work of today in order to fret about what to do tomorrow. Have faith in God's plan, and His ability to direct the work while understanding what the future implications will be.

I do not consider myself to be spiritually higher than those who do fulfill traditional gender roles. We are all working to build God's kingdom, in the manner for which we have been selected. You who follow the traditional route have a well-trodden path to follow, with many beautiful trail markings guiding you in the right direction; I get to wind my way around (and occasionally hack my way through) masses of unmapped brambles, with only a compass and the sun & stars for guidance. Your path is the right one for many, and you are blessed to travel it with them; mine is no less right, although much of it is lonely and discouraging and there are certainly many dangers. Although the trail I blaze will never be as easy or well-traveled as yours, there are others for whom this other path is right also... and the fact that I have marked the trail in my own rough way will make their travels a little bit easier than mine was; perhaps someday there will even be a few signs marking the route.

I am not the only one engaged in this work; others are out there blazing trails of their own, much like the white explorers who mapped the western half of this country. Sometimes we catch sight of each other from far away and wave a 'hello' before turning back to our individual tasks. Sometimes our paths meet and we travel together for a time, sharing valuable knowledge of the terrain that we have learned along the way. Sometimes we reach an insurmountable obstacle and have to double back. Like you, we wish to reach God's presence and to bring our loved ones with us; unlike you, the many man-made toll-gates on that well-marked path do not accept the coin that we carry. Maybe someday those toll-gates will be removed, or accept other currencies... maybe they won't, and those of us who have been provided with foreign coin will continue to travel the longer, harder route. We have no way of knowing what that future will be, but we continue to press forward in our efforts as faithful Saints.